Sausage In a Basket: The Great British Guide of How NOT to eat
Sausage In a Basket: The Great British Guide of How NOT to eat
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Sausage In a Basket book cover
The Knickerbocker Glory Years: the Great British Book of How Not to Eat

On sale now from Bloomsbury Publishing. From all good book shops or order a copy from these lovely online retailers:




WH Smith


Enter our second sweepstakes

Fortnum and Mason Hamper
A premium hamper. Biscuits. Preserves. Farmhouse cheeses. Florentines. Fizzy wine. One whicker basket & all the shredded crepe paper and sticky cellophane you can eat.
Hurry! Enter Our 'Sweepstakes' & Win a Fortnum and Mason hamper

Contribute to How Not to Eat Online and win a fabulous Fortnum and Mason Mayfair hamper worth £250.

> Email me a photo of the most elaborately worded/pretentious menu option you can find (for example: 'medallions of pork with potato longboats and a onion jam and a sice of five grain bread)

.s (Due to strict quarantine regulations concerning pâté, the Hamper competition is open to UK residents only).

I've only ever eaten the contents of a hamper once. It was for Christmas in the early 80s. It was first prize in a Beetle Drive from Our Lady of Mount Carmel - our parish church.

The box was damp. The tinned meat came in a kidney-shaped can and was 70% white jelly. The biscuits for cheese selection was like some sort of pre-Reformation penance. The wine was a tart Rheinhessen with a chamois leather aftertaste. The marzipan fruits smelt like jumble sale.

Closing Date: January 31st 2009

Runners-up prizes: Pointless but fun fake food

Yes, what makes a promotional giveaway a 'sweepstakes' rather than a mere 'competition' is multiple prizes - runners 'up fare like His-and-Hers quartz watches, carriage clocks, branded beach radios, stress balls and 'boingy' pencil toppers.

No such tat for this site. No sir. I'm giving away replica food - 10inch tall glass and plastic facsimiles of 3 sweet trolley favourites (Knickerbocker Glory, Peach Sundae, Mint Choc Chip) for you to:
  1. Display in your kitschy kitchen - right next to your 'Dress Elvis' fridge magnet set and Alessi can opener shaped like a squid.
  2. Use as a conversation-provoking centerpiece when engaged in dinner party discussions about Jean Baudrillard and his theories concerning simulacra and simulation.
  3. List on eBay with a reasonable reserve.
So again, > Email me* your ludicrous menu item photos...

Closing Date: March 31st

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* Any emails with the subject header 'Plane Crash Inheritance' will be automatically deleted

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All text, illustration & site design by Martin Lampen
© Martin Lampen 2007-2008